The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
