She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
