So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize