nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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