He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
