you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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