I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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