so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
nutella sex= disaster
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
