The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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