i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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