oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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