Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
