you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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