Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Randomize