you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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