im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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