You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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