So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
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Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
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We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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