I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
