my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
