don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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