My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
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it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
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I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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