well I can't set my house on fire every night
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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