Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
