This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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