fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
