he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
