Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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