remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
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Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
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I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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