oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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