I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
