One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
