you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
