Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
