the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
