All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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