Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
