Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
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i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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