Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
