You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
