My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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