If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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