Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
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I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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