I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
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What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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