I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I wish there were birth control emojis
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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