I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
