Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
