There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
