WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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