I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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