but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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