If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
