You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
