And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
