The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
