omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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