she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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