So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
