dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
